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Did I grow up with a toxic idea of love?

It was a normal boring day at my grandma house, I was twelve years old and I was just flipping through the channels when I stumbled across a TV show that I had never watched before. Suddenly I freezed. I wasn’t able to skip it; I felt this strong, weird magnetic attraction towards the scene and these two characters that I didn’t even know the names. But the way they were looking at each other made me think about only one thing: love. After a bit of research I realized that I had just watched THE scene from Gossip Girl, the one that even the haters of the show knew about, the one where Blair Waldorf asked Chuck Bass to say those three words and eight letters.
That same year Twilight came out and as soon as I finished the movie, I found myself in the closest book shop looking for all the book of the saga. Bella Swan magically became my inspiration and Jacob Black was the best friend that I was looking for.



That’s how I spent my summer: reading, watching and fantasizing about all these crazy and tragic love stories. Dreaming about how amazing it would be experience all those intense feelings. For me, Chuck and Blair were the perfect example of what true love looked like. I was so invested in them that I wasn’t even living my adolescence. What was the point of having a fake romance with a silly thirteen years boy who did not know a thing about passion? It was better waiting until my Chuck Bass was knocking at my door.

That loud knock came ten years later, when I was scrolling on my twitter timeline and saw an article in which a woman accused Ed Westwick of sexual assault. Suddenly half of my social media started saying that it wasn't a surprised, since the show that made me famous had glamorized rape and unhealthy couples. That seriously hit me and I stopped a second and I starting thinking about what kind of definition of love I’ve grown up with. Was Chuck and Blair relationship really that romantic? Could Chuck Bass be considered your ideal man? And the questions didn’t stop only on Gossip Girl, but with any other TV Shows, movies or books I was obsessed with during my teenage years.




What is that little line between adoration and obsession? When do arguments become toxic? How does loving someone else making you stop loving yourself?

Now, at twenty years old, in my first real relationship, I can say that this new experience is not like I used to dream about. It’s better. It’s about finding the right balance between self-love and altruism. It’s about remembering that even when you are with someone, you still need to put yourself at the first place sometimes and there is nothing wrong with that. It’s about knowing that fortunately the perfect person and the right relationship do not exist and that’s exactly why everything feels so reassuring.


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